I have come to the conclusion that being manic depressive is a lot like being a toddler.  You would think that with this knowledge, or…  acceptance, I would be able to identify better with my toddler.  He’s a mini-me.  I usually take a few days, or a few weeks to have an overall mood shift, but it may be a manic/depressive/manic DAY.  Mega Man is no different, really…  Not at all.

      

  I am in a down swing.  It’s just that I have been "too busy" to realize it.  Slowly, but with increasing undeniability and strength, it is creeping in.  The energy is gone.  It is all but impossible for me to fall asleep before 2 AM, but once I am asleep, I could sleep through anything and I want to sleep through anything, and I want to sleep for about 3 days.  My eating habits are atrocious.  I can eat nothing, but want to eat everything…  Until I catch sight of myself in a mirror…  And it used to just be if I saw anything below my bust line, but now even my "full" face is enough to send me into tears and renewed vows of self-discipline and hunger strikes.  I have no patience.  My head always hurts.  My back is a dull throb of discomfort and by evening, pain.  I’m restless.  I’m frustrated.  I am Mega Man when he’s out of his comfort zone, when he’s over-tired, when he’s had enough.

          And 2 weeks ago, and probably two weeks from now, I will be Mega on a sugar high, Mega at Chuck E. Cheese, Mega with CAKE AND COOKIES!!!  I won’t be able to spend money fast enough, or get upset enough at myself for spending money, even if it is on things we need, that were on sale, that I bought with coupons, or that we saved for.  And I will call you.  Because we need to get together.  For coffee.  At Fourbuck’s.  And then shop.  No, don’t shop.  LOOK SOMETHING SHINY!  And where is that thing I was working on?  Didn’t I start another scrapbook page?  Where is that book I was reading?  What page was I on?  Have I seen this movie yet?  Is that on sale?  Does it come in my size in red?  Oh wait, my size is a circus tent!  Excuse me while I cry for the next hour.  (10 minutes later)  I should work on a web-site for my doula stuff.  I should really learn about web design.  Do you know anything about it?  How much does it cost?  I should make a gourmet dinner.  I wanted to try this recipe anyway.  You mean we don’t have the stuff to make it?  I don’t feel like driving to the store, but let’s go for a walk!  YEAH!  To that park, so it’s about a mile, right?  GREAT!  I could use the exercise!  Did I check the voice mail?  Because someone important may have called!  Something may have happened and if I don’t know about right this second, it might be really really bad and then I would feel guilty forever and what would I ever do to make up for it and how would I live with myself after that and OH! MY! GOD!  Did you see that?  I’ve always wanted one of those.  And.  It’s.  On.  Sale.  I’ll buy 3!

          So my darling, darling children…  Your mum, in all her delusions of Mother of the Year, and pitfalls, and inevitable "I will never forgive you for that!" moments…  She…  Well, she loves you.  And I will make a more conscious effort to be understanding of you and your little worlds.  I will try to remind myself more often that if I am this frustrated, you are certainly at least 10 times more frustrated.  I will try to remember that while I can express myself in a manner that I believe to be crystal clear, you probably still feel that at least half the time, I am from another planet.  And when you think you’re being perfectly clear, I catch about 20-30% of what you said and I probably didn’t interpret it but half right.  And then you yell, so I yell and we get nowhere but more frustrated…  And I’m sorry.  And I kill a little piece of myself everytime I lose my temper…  And I never forgive myself because I know you won’t either.  And those moments spent yelling, I should be thanking Nature and God and anyone else who will stand still long enough that I even have you…  That someone, or something, gave you to me…  Even if they knew I would screw you up.  I only hope that in time, we can come to an understanding of each other, even if only on the surface.  I hope that you can look back at some point and know that I really did love you, and that I really did do the best I could.  I love you both, no matter how little you think I understand.  I really do love you, and I really am probably certifiable, but that doesn’t change the love.  A parent’s love, even if it is crazy, is the best kind… 

Insane

Advertisements