We all know I am a “Lord of the Rings” FUH-REAK!  What you probably don’t know because you don’t live with me is that my desktop background is LOTR and my sound greetings are soundbites from Elijah Wood.  Having said that I know you can read the following with a grin on your face, waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop…

 

I am dozing off around 2 last night (Mega got up again) and I am pretty close to falling asleep.  I didn’t have the television on, which is unusual for me, I must say.  I’m all snuggly and not really thinking about anything except how super great these flannel sheets feel…  I hear someone in my house!  There is someone talking!  I draw up the sheets…  I listen…  Nothing.  I think it must have just been my mind playing tricks, or perhaps my cat meowed and it echoed funny…  I snuggle back in and start to relax…  BabySan sighs in his sleep next to me and I think to myself, “Hey, if the baby can sleep, I can sleep.”  *deep breath*  THERE IT IS AGAIN!  This time I know I heard it, and it was more than one word!  I throw off the covers and grab my Mag-Lite and sit stiff as a board on the edge of the bed…  Nothing.  I ease off the bed and start to look for something to bean this mysterious intruder with…  Hockey skates.  That should do the trick nicely.  I start to creep downstairs.

At this point, let me say I know how dumb I sound.  I should have grabbed the phone, the baby, and ran to Mega’s room and hid in his closet with him and the baby, all the while dialing 911.  I know that.  I have always said that was my plan if I really thought someone was in my house…

When I reach the top landing, I think (and here again, how dumb is this), “I should let the cat out.  She’d let me know if someone were down there or not.”  What a moron!  Like she’s going to claw him to death with her NON-EXISTENT FRONT CLAWS…  Whatever.  So I nix that idea and continue to slowly make my way down the stairs.  Just before I reach the middle landing, I hear it again, only this time, clear as day!  “Goodbye!”  Now remember, it’s 2 AM and I’m groggy…  Cut me some slack.  I’m now thinking, “Well whoever it is has manners, so maybe it’s not as bad as I think.”  <—  Yes, I know…  Again, I was groggy…  I guess.

I start to walk at a pace closer to normal speed and there it is again, “Welcome!”  OMG!  Is he waiting for me in the dark?  I suddenly have a flash of “Silence of the Lambs.”

“I ate his liver…  With some fafa beans and a nice chianti.  SLURP!”

Oh…  MY…  GOD!!!

So what do I do?  Stick the Mag-Lite under my arm (it’s a 4-D cell, why I didn’t think to hit this person with that instead of a hockey skate, I couldn’t tell you) and get my skates ready to swing…

I get to the cold tile floor landing in front of the door and peek around the corner into my living room…  NOTHING.  Well, maybe he’s making himself a snack in the kitchen.  I tip-toe (on carpet) and make it halfway into the living room when I hear the voice again…

“You’ve got mail!”

It’s Elijah-freaking-Wood…  I had my monitor turned off and apparently my DSL connection re-set.  It signed me back on, which was the first, “Welcome” that woke me up…  I heard “You’ve got mail,” right before I decided to investigate, and so on…  I guess it re-set more than once, but AOL does that all the time, so no surprise.  Now I know I sound like a complete goob, but a few things other than sleepiness were working against me.

1.)  I NEVER turn off my computer monitor at night.  It provides a small light source if I have to come down for water, whatever.

2.)  I ALWAYS turn the speakers off at night for this very reason.  I guess I forgot last night and switched the turn on/off thingies because I was in a hurry to get BabySan bathed and into bed…

3.)  Finally, I normally come back downstairs even after BabySan is sleeping, but once Mega got up, I was all thrown off and didn’t do half the things I normally do.

*sigh*  It’s always something new with me.  Never a dull moment!

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