I was fine.  I was just fine.  I might not have been actively thinking about it every day, or trying to come to terms with it, but I was okay where I was.  Was I happy?  No, but it’s not something to be happy about!  It wasn’t the big elephant in the room that I was ignoring, but it wasn’t shoved in a closet either. I really was just fine with the way I was!  The doorbell rang and there it was…  not too big, but not too small…  And opening it would cause a nuclear winter… 

I haven’t even gone through the whole thing.  I can’t.  I kept hoping there would be something in there that made it okay…  Some last minute letter, or even quick note…  SOMETHING!  ANYTHING!  Nothing…

What I think I might want to remember is a blur…  The things I know I don’t want to remember just keep trying to invade my mind and it takes every ounce of strength I have to push those thoughts, images, and feelings back in the deepest recess of my mind.  Those images will always haunt me, but I will be damned if they overcome me.

Then there are the others that come with you…  They’re still here and I can’t get away from them, either…  They keep trying to be a part of who I am now and all I want is for you to be part of that…  Not them…

I lost it at the 8×10.  It’s going to be a while before I try to sift through any more wreckage, you can believe that…

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