I was walking downstairs with a wine glass in my hand and all I could think was, “What would it feel like if I held this as tight as I could and just let all those little pieces of glass dig in?  It won’t hurt at all compared to this, so why not?  Just do it…  Squeeze…”
It’s been a bad day…  Since I sent my uncle that first E-mail asking about the bear, I can’t stop thinking about Gram.  I just want to curl up in a little ball and cry, but I won’t let myself…  I sent him a second E-mail asking for any old pictures of Gram.  I don’t have any…  There were a few that the grand kids sent to me, but none before I was born.  Most of the pictures were focused on me, even if she was in them.  I would really like to have one nice one I could restore (if necessary) and have made into an 8×10.  I miss her so much…  I don’t think a day has gone by when I don’t look at BabySan at least once and think, “Do you know how much she would have loved that little smile?” or, “I can only imagine how much she would have adored you.”  The same thing with Mega Dukes…  It breaks my heart all over again every time I think about all the things she’s missing…  I know I am supposed to believe she’s watching and isn’t missing anything, but I can’t.  I am too selfish, and dammit, I AM missing her even if she IS right here…  It’s not enough.  It’s not enough that she’s watching or checking in…  It’s just not enough…  IT’S NOT A FUCKING NOUGH!  I better quit before I lose it for real…  ‘Cause seriously…  I’m right…  there…
“I try not to think about what might have been, ’cause that was then, and we have taken different roads.  We can’t go back again.  There’s no use givin’ in.  And there’s no way to know what might have been.”