I talked to my aunt today…  She told me a lot about Gram’s funeral service.  I was the focal point…  My uncle, her oldest son did the eulogy and he called me, “the light of her life,” and “the daughter she never had.”  There was a video of the service and my aunt is going to get a copy for me if no one else thought of it.  I felt guilty that he said all those wonderful things about me (including some very sweet, cute, and heartfelt memories) and then I wasn’t there, but they covered that, too.  My uncle said something to the effect of, “Before everyone starts craning their necks to look for her, she’s not here.  She wanted to be here more than anything, but she cannot travel right now due to some complications with her pregnancy.”  It seems like they at least understand that much…  It made it a little easier for me to let go of some of my guilt…  Not all, but some.  Also, my aunt told me that my family was all commenting on how impressed they were by me as a mom.  They’ve never met Mega, and they’ve never seen us together.  They all said he was incredibly well behaved and I was very attentive even though I was pretty pre-occupied with Gram…  That made me feel pretty good because my family is not quick to compliment, so you know that when they do compliment you, they really mean it.  🙂 

          Tomorrow night my church’s pastor is coming over to offer some “spiritual guidance” and just a friendly ear.  It’s weird to me that I can’t talk to God, but I can talk to one of his…  representatives?  Heh… 

          My uncle, the one who did her eulogy, is going to be dealing with her things…  He has already boxed up things to send to me like pictures, so it will be nice to see what Gram set aside for me.  One of the things he said in his eulogy was, “I helped mom organize her photos this fall.  We started out with 5 boxes, one for each of us boys and one for Heather.  As time went by, we got another box for her…  And then another…  And there was still only one box of pictures for each of us boys.”  LOL  I guess that made everyone laugh, but he explained that she knows I don’t have many family photos and she thought they would mean a lot to me now that I have a family of my own and I have the most history with her and the uncles…  That’s her, though…  Always thinking of others…  So as I sit here thinking about it, I feel guilty all over again, so I am shutting up now.  I don’t talk because it hurts and I can’t deal with it right now.  I am going to go back to dummy-ing up.  Woo-hoo!