Bowling…  Yeah we went for my birthday.  Yeah, I only invited my best friend.  Perhaps it was because I had just gotten news about Gram’s passing and I didn’t really want to go out, but did because DH and I felt it might be in my best interest not to sit at home and allow myself to melt into oblivion.  Perhaps it was because my best friend was already in the area, which says a lot considering where I live…  When we got to the bowling alley, it was an hour before leagues started.  So you know what?  We had 45 minutes.  Good thing there were only 4 people trying to bowl, huh?  We were hauling ass to get through one damn game…  Perhaps I didn’t call anyone else because it was a last minute thing – last minute effort to get me out of the house and allow me to enjoy my birthday despite the grim circumstances; last minute trying to get a sitter for Mega since it was during his nap and he’s not exactly ready to go bowling, etc.  Whatever.  Take that as you see fit.

          Apparently I am a panicky pain in the ass, too.  Hmmm…  The only woman I considered a true maternal figure for the majority of my life up until now DIED.  Now my all but 3-4 relatives are turning their backs on me because I refuse to “hug and make up” with another relative…  And we’ll leave it at that… 

          I am going to have my second child ALONE – my husband will be deployed and will be coming home to a 4-6 week old.  My friends all have to work and my mom will be several hours away – I don’t think the delivery room is a great place for a 2 year old, so who knows what will happen over those couple days with my older son.  He will have to get used to a new baby and people coming and going in his own home, assuming there are people available to give me a hand.  If not, his options are even better – a mom with little to no energy that he has to share with a newborn!  Then, 6 to 8 weeks after the birth of our second son, I have to have surgery for a now pre-cancerous condition.  Guess what folks – my infection is the aggressive variety, so there is a very good probability that by the time they can operate (in 26-28 weeks from now) it WILL be cancerous.  Have you ever had to think about having a hysterectomy at 25?  Better yet, how about 22?  I didn’t realize I was being such a pain in the ass for everyone, so my bad.  I apologize guys.  Really.  I didn’t realize I was panicking, either.  I truly thought I was doing the best I could to research all the best options for me and my children, given the circumstances.  My bust.

          But then again…  You know something?  This is why I haven’t answered the phone since I got back from being with Gram.  It’s the same reason I haven’t really answered any other attempt to contact me – IM’s, phone calls, or E-mails…  I’m a little overwhelmed right now and rather than be a pain in the ass, I am keeping my mouth shut.  Excuse me again for choosing the wrong option there.  I have never really lost anyone close to me, nor have I ever had to make choices for myself and my babies like those in front of me.  I’m sorry if I have not had time or energy to nurture our friendship the way I should. 

          I am also sorry that some people think I speak for my husband.  If you know me at all, you know that more than half the time he asks me about *anything,* I tell him to do whatever he wants, even if I don’t really want him to do something (i.e. hunting, etc.).  He’s an adult, perfectly capable of making his own decisions.  If he wants my input, he gets it.  Otherwise, I’ll let him decide 100% on his own…  Same treatment he gives me.  Then again, we’re both adults, so why wouldn’t it work that way?  I’m not his mom, for God’s sake. 

          While we’re at it, let me apologize as well for being self-loathing.  I can’t seem to see past being called “Thunder Thighs” on numerous occassions through my childhood, even if it was said “in jest.”  When you have to repeatedly lie for someone, it’s also very hard not to assume part of the responsibility for thier actions – you’re an accomplice, which makes you damn near as bad as them, right?  Right.  I am evil.  I left Gram to die alone when the only person she specifically asked to see was me.  I left her to die alone because I am selfish – it was simply too much for me to see her suffering so much, it was too much for me, knowing my family was doing everything they could to corner me with that relative I refused to see…  So, please forgive me for not quite being able to overcome all that just yet.  I am, after all, a slow learner on top of everything else.

          As for my inability to nurture a friendship, and while I’m not assuming responsibility for anything, chalk it up to never having been shown a healthy relationship.  Yeah, also one of the things I got to lie about – infidelity within a marriage.  I was never allowed to be upset by any of those things either, because that showed weakness.  Instead, I learned to shut down.  Why do you think I was hospitalized at 15 for “mental instability”?  I was upset because I got picked last for kickball?  How about no…  How about you bottle up all that shit for 15 years and tell me what you feel like inside, day in and day out.  Instead of talking to everyone, I find 1 or 2 people I feel safe with.  It takes soo much for me to feel safe with someone that it’s ridiculous, but then again, I guess you would know that if you knew the whole story.  I am sorry I can’t spill all the details all the time to everyone.  I just feel too vulnerable.  Guess what?  Vulnerability equals weakness and we all know that that is not allowed.  I find 1 or 2 people I feel safe with and when I allow myself to feel anything, I tell them…  And only them.  You wanna take that personally, too?  My bad again…  Damn. 

          See, I am evil.  It’s all good, though.  My husband, my mom(s), a few sturdy friends, and my kids are there for me.  I always thought that a nice big support system was what people needed to survive nowadays, but now I know that that is an immature illusion.  The bigger the support system, the more chances you have for failure within the system.  Good thing I don’t feel safe with many people, huh?  My poor, frail little spirit might be shattered all together if a whole bunch of people hurt me and/or let me down, especially in one of my many times of need. 

          For those of you who have always been there, I applaud you.  I really do (all sarcasm aside, I swear) know I am tiring.  But you know something?  I am getting there.  I am working to find healthy coping mechanisms that work for me.  I try to find healthy activities for myself, ways to boost my self-esteem, enrich my abilities to mother and be a good wife, and even be a better friend.  I am sorry it has taken me a little longer than perhaps you had hoped, but know that I am trying.  I am a mess and we all know that.  For those of you who know but still love the mess…  You have my eternal gratitude… and my endless, unconditional love.

Advertisements