Every Day I’m Shufflin’

 

Every day I try to be a good person. I try to be someone you can talk to – someone who knows when to listen, when to hug, and when to chime in with encouragement or just shut up and be present. I try to be someone you can ask a favor of. I try to be someone you can trust. I try to be someone you can lean on because The Force knows I have leaned. I try to be someone who knows when to say they ar…e sorry – and mean it – and when to not allow blame to be laid unfairly. I try to be someone who speaks up for those who can’t without stepping on them myself. I try to be someone who loves… wholly and unconditionally. It’s a lot of work… But I hope that every day I try, it gets easier and that my kids will do the same, with must less difficulty. It’s not hard to do those things – they come from love. But, it is hard to do those things when people are constantly telling you or showing you that they don’t care, or that it doesn’t matter. Everybody screws up. Crucifying them for it doesn’t help. Tomorrow, I will try again, crucified or not. ♥

Final FML for 2010…

Because the year couldn’t just end.  It had to go out with a bang.

The Year of Living Dangerously

I don’t do resolutions. I think they’re cliche, too quickly and easily broken, and just as easily and rapidly broken. I do, however, believe in self-improvement. With that in mind, I started thinking about what I wanted to change about myself. There are things I am constantly working on (my temper, yelling, road rage, etc.), but I try to add to the list as I see things I don’t like. The more I thought about it, the more I thought about how *dangerous* I could become. Thus, the year of living dangerously…

• Say nothing unless you can say it out of love. If there is any anger or rage anywhere in the sentiment, keep it to yourself until you can add the love.
• Recognize and respect the path. Not everyone has the same destination, and it doesn’t make their path any less hard to walk, or any less meaningful, nor is it my job or my right to attempt to alter their destination.
• Spend more time in the moment and less time worrying – worrying about making more time, worrying about the future, and worrying about the past.

Those will all be challenges for me. For now, I think those are big enough challenges for me to tackle, though I may add as I progress. Here’s to 2011 – The Year of Living Dangerously.

Whirlwind of Activity!!!

So… Obviously I’ve not been around much.  I come to you now to update and, essentially, purge.  I may very well explode into a thousand tiny pieces if I don’t offload some of this.  *shiver*

Blog Until You’re Not Mad Any More!

I sat down to blog about my anger with a few people.  As usual, I wouldn't say who it was or anything, but sometimes the best thing for me to do is just write it all down and organize it…  It's purging and then I can not be angry any more…  Which is always good, right? 

So why am I more irritated now than when I started?  Why am I finding more and more reasons to be mad?  In the long run, I suppose it is a small thing…  But then, it's not.  Still, it's not something I should just stay pissed about.  That takes too much energy, for one.  For another thing, it's not like being mad is going to change anything, besides making it worse.  Who needs that?  Not this chick, that's for damn sure…

I think I am still trying so hard to let go of my anger with other people and situations, and since I can't, I am finding new things to direct it toward, unfair though that may be.  I know most people find the ones they love are the easiest to take out negativity on, but that doesn't make it right, nor fair.  Still…

So here I am, stewing away…  I don't really want to let this one go, but for ya' know, see above…  I think I actually want to piss away the energy and stay angry.  How dumb is that?! 

In some weird way, I guess this stupid blog worked.  I am mad, but it's forced.  I'm only mad because I want to be, not because I'm genuinely pissed off…  LAY-MUH.

So what purpose does your blog serve? 

Evaluation

The end of the year is often a time for taking stock, evaluating, and making resolutions for improvement.  I hate that.  *laugh*  I think it's trite.  I mean, I suppose it's better to remind some people to try to stop, reflect, and see where they could improve, but I strive to do that year round.  Having said that, right now I am stopping hard – like both feet on the brakes hard.  I am having a hard time with just about every little thing.  I feel as though many things shouldn't make me look twice, let alone keep me up at night.  So for one, why are these things plaguing me so?  For another, if I realize they shouldn't be, why can't I let them go?  So I find myself joining the masses at the end of the year to stop, take stock, evaluate, and change course as needed.

Eff My Life

Have you seen that website Fuck My Life?  Today is totally one of those days.  5 years ago, we bought a van from a friend.  The closest DMV was always packed, so we drove to another one which wasn't as frequently visited by the masses.  This DMV office was in another city…  the same state, but another city.  The city got "garage jurisdiction" over the van.  Therefore, we paid taxes on the vehicle to THAT city, rather than the city we lived in, though we didn't know that.  The next year when the tax bill came, we got bills from the city of jurisdiction, as well as the city we lived in.  We paid the city with jurisdiction and were told that was all we needed to do…  The following year, we were told we had to pay the city we lived in.  So we had the van's "garage jurisdiction" changed to our city of residence and paid the taxes…  The year after that, we moved and notified DMV as well as our taxing office.  We also sold the van, but paid the prorated taxes for the city we lived in…  The van was sold in 2007…  We just got a bill from the original city of jurisdiction for 2004 and 2005…  The fees are as much as the taxes for "delinquency."  I will be damned if I pay that bill.  Not only did I already pay the taxes, but the whole process of getting that vehicle registered from one city to another was ridiculous.  No city would talk to the others, and apparently "garage jurisdiction" is vastly different from how they normally figure out which city gets the taxes from which vehicles.  We made numerous phone calls, trips to DMV, and the commissioner of revenue's offices.  It was a battle every tax year, but every year, we paid.  I am not writing another check simply because no one can make a fucking phone call.  Why can't one city talk to another?  Why can't any of the cities talk to DMV – a state agency?  If you can't tell me why you don't have records of those payments and I do, I damn sure am not going to keep paying you so you can turn around and do the same thing a few years from now…

And people want more government involvement in things like health care…  WHY?!

*Day 97: I am grateful for the ability to communicate my needs…  though notice I say nothing about doing so in a constructive or healthy manner.

Nothing More Than Feelings

I am feeling a little…  neglected?  ill used?  uncared for?  I am sure it's completely irrational, but I feel this way just the same.  It seems as though the people I want to be there, aren't, and the people that I don't feel as essential at the moment are in my life in abundance.  I realize that sounds callous, but when we get down to brass tacks, that's what is left.  I feel as though I am floundering…  I thought Mega Man's initiation into school would be liberating, but it's actually been far more confining.  It's odd to have to leave him somewhere, and then pick him up from the very same spot just 3 short hours later.  It seems to be enough time to get somewhere and get settled, only to break the new comfort zone barrier and leave again.  It's a bit irritating, honestly.

DH has duty the day of Mega Man's 5th birthday party.  To me, the fifth birthday is a big deal.  It's the official end of toddlerhood, and the commencement of being a kid.  I asked him to try to swap and he's not going to.  The party is set for that day because it was the only remaining Saturday within a month of Mega's birthday that was available.  So…  I say, the squeaky wheel gets the grease and he should speak up and ask someone to swap.  Not even give up their weekend - switch for that Sunday, or another Saturday, just not THE Saturday…  But no…  He won't or hasn't…  And it frustrates me…

Out of 6 interviews conducted last week, I've had a return from ONE client.  That was pretty devastating, especially since I felt I made a good, strong connection with at least one other potential client.  As if that didn't cut me down far enough, another doula friend E-mailed about back-up for SIX clients within the next 2 months.  Don't get me wrong, I am stoked for her, but it seriously makes me wonder WTF I am doing wrong… 

There's some other stuff going on, but damn…  I just feel like I am falling back down into one of my uber-nasty, super devastating funks…  And I don't like it. 

    

*Day 94: I am grateful for being able to rule out one more possibility on the list of things making my baby sick.  T-Rex is NOT allergic to eggs!

When I should be sleeping…

"Tonight I'm tangled in my blanket of clouds…  Dreamin' aloud."

It's amazing to me how much old wounds can still hurt after so much time has passed…  What makes is a torturous amazement is the realization that those wounds affect how I treat people even now.  I know it's not fair to take the sins of one and bestow the punishment on another, but there it is…  My walls aren't coming down, and there are no new doors.  The alligators still roam the moat, and the bridge is still smashed.  The smallest thing will bring it back up and it's like a slap in the face and like a clam, I feel myself slamming shut again.  It's ridiculous.  I hate it…  But I still do it.  *sigh*  I am going to bed tonight thinking about how much better I would feel if I could just let go of the people who have hurt me…  How much more energy would I have for my children, my husband, my family and friends, and hey!  How much more energy would I have for myself?  Perhaps if I continue to see myself without the weight of those hurts, I will eventually allow the weight to slip from my shoulders and wake up feeling like a new woman…  Visualize and attack…  Visualize and release… 

*Day 87: I am grateful that I've not shut down completely.  I am grateful that a few new people have come into my life and though I may not have run to them, arms wide open, I let them in enough to get to know them and thus far, am better for it.

Speechless

     I have another aunt.  My maternal grandmother had a baby while she was in the hospital in 1986.  She gave the baby up for adoption, and that baby has been found.  She's 2 years younger than me, seems very down to earth and is really pretty.  My mom tracked her down and she's excited to meet her family…