Tour de Force of Suck

 

It’s been a while.  The last month has been a cluster-f*ck.  Seriously.  It started with my job…  and then the hits just kept coming.  I can’t stand when people are upset with me.  I will apologize and assume blame for things that don’t belong to me just to make things right…  It doesn’t make things right, and then I feel even worse.  So while I am carrying that weight around, I see on Facebook that one of my great uncles has passed.  Now, I know most people are not terribly close to their great uncles, but this is a man I remember very fondly and am very sad to have lost touch with as I got older.  There were many factors in that, none of which matter right now, but it happened and I will miss him dearly.  He is one of few people I remember well from my childhood and I cannot recall a single negative experience with him…  I know when people die, we tend to remember only the best, but seriously, the man was awesome.  He always made me smile and his own smile wAs contagious beyond expression.  I am so sad that he is no longer among us and it breaks my heart that my own babies will never get to see that smile. 

Same Old Song and Dance

It’s been a while.  I had / have all these great things I want to write about, but never seem to find the time.  As of this moment, I have 12 minutes before I have to leave to pick Mega Man up.  Let’s see how much I can unload before then…

Feelin’ Good

So the last week or so has been incredibly rough for so many reasons.  I am not typically very easy to get along with during the holidays as it is, but I make an honest effort every year for the sake of my children.  Let’s just say that this year has done nothing but set me back to my incredibly Grinchy ways.  Oh well.  There is always next year, right?  Right!

Moving on!

I think I mentioned before that I think New Year’s resolutions are lame.  I aim to work year-round to improve and educate myself, so doing it once a year just seems cheesy and… perfunctory?  With that being said, it seems as though the end of the year is making itself a force to be reckoned with, at least for me.  It seems to be beating me over the night screaming, “Respect my authorit-AH!”  So timing be damned, here I am completely re-assessing and re-vamping what I thought would be my 1 year and 5 year plans.  Between not getting the scholarship I was qualified for, issues arising that I thought I’d never have to deal with, and other nonsense, my current plans simply will not get me where I want to go.  In light of this realization, I find myself once again thinking carefully about where I want to be in a year, in 5 years, and how best to get there.  *sigh*  Tis tedious business, at times.

Here I go again!

Still…

So very, very angry.  I haven't been this upset in a long time.  I went to bed saying I would sleep it off; in the light of day, I told myself, things would look different and I would find my anger either gone, or dissipating rapidly.  None of that happened.  I woke up just a spot less angry than when I actually fell asleep.  Things do look different, but they look worse.  I've had more time to think, which is almost always bad for me.  The more I think about it, the more I think you are ungrateful, and it's no wonder you feel as though your entire life has been ruined by others, and has nothing to do with your own behaviors or actions.  You can't just take help for what it is: my gift of time, talent, or whatever it is that I can spare.  You just want me and everyone else to do it all for you, rather than accepting what we have to offer and making the rest of it work out through your own efforts, contributions, and works.  It's ridiculous.  I can't imagine never knowing the pride of hard work and my own finished product.  DH and I struggle, but we own a house.  We bought a house a few weeks after my 24th birthday.  On a single income.  In a decent neighborhood.  DH and I struggle, but we are sending our children to good schools.  DH and I struggle, but we are 2.5 years away from paying off a 6 year loan and we're doing it 6 months early.  I'd rather get my ass kicked and do it all on my own, or with as little help as possible, than to look back and wonder what it would have taken to do it on my own.  I'd rather feel like my ass is being handed to me when I write checks for bills every month than to feel as though I owe every person I know…  I realize that this is just a personal preference and not a right or wrong issue, but because it is so huge for me, I just don't see how I can ever overlook these qualites in you to be your "friend."  I am friend with many people whom I am quite different from, but on the stuff that really matters to me, we have more in common than not.  Self-sufficiency is a big deal to me.  Would I let my children go hungry or default on my mortgage before I asked for help?  Of course not.  I have more pride than I know what to do with, unfortunately, but I will never be too proud to let my children suffer because of my pride.  What I will do before I ask for help is everything I can think of – work another job, sleep less, whatever.  Where my children are concerned, there is nothing I wouldn't do for them.  But I hope that in my efforts to be a good provider, I show them that hard work pays off.  Not only do you get the job done, you get the satisfaction of having done a good job for yourself.  I will never let them think that it is okay to rely solely on others to meet their own needs.  There will always be unforeseen circumstances, but that doesn't include things like big school projects, mortgage payments, etc.  Asking for someone to bail you out of those situations is just lazy.  That's not okay.  When others can't or won't help you, or can't / won't help you the way you want them to (though it may be the way you need, or just not to the extent that you would like), it doesn't mean you have the right to spit in their faces.  Help is a gift.  Appreciate it.  Abuse it, and it's biting the hand that feeds you.  Not smart…  Not smart at all…

*Day 90: I am grateful that I am not the person I used to be.  The person I used to be would not have held her tongue, would not have given it extra time, and would not have refrained from resulting to physical force.  The person I used to be would not have cared that children were present, nor would she have cared about the resulting opinions and feelings about her and her actions had she let her anger get the best (or worst) of her…  I am grateful for the control I have learned to wield over my temper, however strained and tested that control may be…  The point is that it is still there, and for that, I am truly, truly grateful.

Respect

     When you push your way into my home, though I have made it clear that this is not a good time, you are showing a lack of respect.

     When you show up several hours after the agreed upon time, after I made room in my day to acommodate you, you are showing a lack of respect.

     When you stay beyond reasonable hours, after my children have gone to bed, and into the wee hours of the morning, though you know I have to get up at the crack of dawn with energetic children, and a long trip ahead, you are showing a lack of respect.

     When you try to pit my husband against me with manipulative language, you are being disrespectful as well as deceitful. 

     We have not spoken in years.  It was presumptuous of you to call me for help as it was.  When I explained why I could not help you at the time, you pushed and pushed.  Help should be given willingly, not grudgingly.  When I did open my door, you walked through it well after the agreed upon time and stayed past midnight.  When did that become acceptable behavior?  When did it become okay to make your problem an issue for someone else?  When did it become okay to blame someone for your shortcomings when they could not or would not help you get out of a mess YOU created?  

     I am just wondering what I missed here.  Everyone but me seems to think that your behavior is acceptable and that I am overlooking your "obvious" respect for me and the way I live my life.  I must have missed something because I would not behave this way toward someone I respected…

   When I should be as giddy as a child on Christmas Eve, I am so furious that I actually contemplated an assault charge.  When I should have been home, playing with my children and spending time with my husband, I was out, avoiding you.  When I should have been free to come home and enjoy my last several hours with my family, I was fuming, wondering what made you think 10, 11, and even 12 AM were suitable hours for you to be in my home.  I will be away from my family for over a week, and when I could have been home getting in my last hours of snuggles and giggles, I was trying to keep my blood from boiling and my head from exploding. 

     We will never be friends.  I don't respect you.  Before I formed an opinion about you, I did every thing I could to keep an open mind and get to know you.  Every encounter I have had with you has made me want to wash my hands of you.  I have never had a pleasant time with you.  I have never had a reasonable conversation with you.  I have no desire whatsoever to be friends with you.   I have no regret that our relationship got off to the start that it did, and no regrets about the way we have progressed in our non-relationship together.  I was perfectly content when there was little to no contact between us and I sincerely hope that after this incident, it goes back to that.

         *Day 89: I am grateful for time away.  My hair is falling out because I am so stressed and I hope that, despite Kili being with me, the time away from pretty much everything that has anything to do with my daily life, will do me some good and allow me to come home feeling refreshed, able to look at things in a different, more productive light, and allow me to once again be the mom I liked being.

Speechless

     I have another aunt.  My maternal grandmother had a baby while she was in the hospital in 1986.  She gave the baby up for adoption, and that baby has been found.  She's 2 years younger than me, seems very down to earth and is really pretty.  My mom tracked her down and she's excited to meet her family… 

Longing

I want to meet my daughter…  But I want to meet her when she’s ready and when she can come straight home with us.  I want my boys home…  But I want them home with a mother who is strong enough to care for them, while either still maintaining a safe and healthy pregnancy, or while also caring for a new sibling.  I miss them sooo much.  I’ve never been away from them for more than 48 hours.  Did I mention that yet?  The first time was when T-Rex was born, and as soon as we got the hemorrhaging under control and I was able to leave safely, I was ready to fly to Mega Man and bring him home with his new brother.  The second time was when I took a little break in a neighboring state with family and friends and DH brought the boys home.  As much fun as that was, even then, I thought about them the whole time…

Between Su Doku puzzles…

Bed rest sucks.  I have completed almost 2 dozen Su Doku puzzles, read over 100 pages of "The Jungle" (even though I don't really like it), have watched about 4 movies, and have played a few rounds of Super Mario Brothers 2 on the Wii…  The best part has been hanging out with my husband.  We're rarely apart, but rarely together.  He's watching the kids while I make dinner.  He's bathing the kids while I catch my breath, whatever.  It's been very pleasant to just be near each other again.  I am definitely okay with that part of this situation.

What sucks the most is just being away from my babies.  I've never been away for more than 48 hours and while the quiet is nice, and the slower pace is much appreciated at the moment, it feels very empty without them here.  I keep waiting for Mega Man to ask me to tell T-Rex not to wreck the train tracks he just assembled, or for T-Rex to come begging to be picked up and held…  Mornings seem to be the hardest – that's when they need me most and now there's no one.  It's weird being waited on for a change…  While that's even sorta' nice, it's just…  weird, too.  My mom is probably going nuts because I call at least twice a day, but it's just so odd not KNOWING what they're doing at every single moment.  Even when they're being little terrors, they're my little terrors and I know what they're terrorizing…  I'd give just about anything for a hug from them right now…  Next weekend seems like a long way away…  *sigh*

I'm really amazed at how eager people have been to help, too.  My mom took the boys and just made arrangements to make it work.  Friends, fellow doulas, and birth workers have all volunteered to provide meals, keep me company, and other services according to their professions and specialties.  It's truly humbling and I am very thankful to have such wonderful people in our lives. 

While I am miserable, it's more because I feel like a newly caged animal than anything else.  This is what needs to be done for the well-being of our daughter, and that's perfectly fine.  Just like the injections and drugs, I'd normally oppose them, but it's not about me and what I want – it's about her and what's best for her.  I'm down with all that, no question…  I just wish I could be on bedrest without actually having to sit still. 

*Day 57: I am grateful for my circle of support, without whom I would be losing my mind!

The Ties That Bind

          I'm all for a good debate…  Usually.  What I don't like is when comments that are perhaps meant to be a statement of fact are said in a manner which is hurtful to the other party.  Varying view points are what make the world go round – if I can't find a solution, perhaps you can because you see the problem differently than I do.  What does not sit well with me if when the opposing view points are not said with care, when there is obvious disrespect for the others' views and the lifestyle they lead because of these views…

          It's come to my attention that this election is even more heavily weighted than I initially feared.  It is tearing friends and families apart because in a crisis, everyone wants resolution and when you can't agree about the best course of correction, people obviously become passionate.  Again, not a bad thing in and of itself.  It becomes harmful when our passions lead us to trample on the thoughts and feelings of others.  It becomes harmful when it leads people to assume debasing things about others.  I may not agree with you, nor be able to see where you're coming from and why you feel the way you do, but that doesn't invalidate your feelings.  For me to try to convince you that your thoughts and feelings are invalid is detrimental not only to you, but myself…

          For this reason, I am stepping back.  I'll probably still blog about my political leanings and convictions, but it will no longer be a topic of conversation except amongst a very small, select circle.  Not everyone in the circle will agree, but everyone will respect.  I am hoping this approachwill serve as damage control for myself, as well as those I love…  It's the ties that bind that are most important…  But sometimes it's important to take stock of your differences and evaluate whether or not those differences are stronger than your ties…  And for me, now is not the proper time for that evaluation.

The Third Time is the Charm

We're expecting our third child.  For some reason, that tends to make people's jaws drop.  Yes, I will only be 25 by the time this baby arrives.  Yes, I will have 3 children under the age of 5.  Yes, I am tired and would like to have a few months without diapers.  There are a million other questions I get asked where I will honestly answer in the affirmative and most people receive it as a negative.  But you know something?  My family rocks. 

I know you can't keep the lights on with love, but when you love someone enough, you work hard to keep those lights on.  In a way, yes, you can keep the lights on and the fridge full, and the car running, and the house standing with love.  My children may want for some things, but they will NEED nothing.  Our oldest has his Pre-K open house tomorrow, and somehow, depsite having to cut back the month before we decided he really did need to go just to pay the bills on time, I found the money to pay his tuition.  Our current youngest, soon to be the middle child, has a sensitive little butt and can only handle Pampers friggin' wipes, and yet somehow, I manage to keep that in the budget for him.  Somehow, despite recovering from damage caused by an undiagnosed auto-immune disease that wreaked havoc on my liver, kidneys, and heart, I am still able to carry a healthy baby and my body continues to rebuild itself at the same time. Somehow, despite most days being an evil bitch, my husband still loves and whole-heartedly supports me.  Somehow, despite him being gone a lot in the past, and aggravating the crap out of me in the present, I still love and whole-heartedly support him.  What other strengths do you really need?  

We work hard to pay our mortgage and utility bills on time, and in full.  Our taxes are current.  Our vehicles are in good condition, well maintained, and their taxes and other fees are also up-to-date.  Our animals are all healthy and with good vet records.  My children have a backyard to retreat to.  They have a playroom for rainy days that's fully stocked with an easel to paint, stamp, draw, and color on, as well a computer, learning toys, and toys they can just be silly with.  They've got books enough to fill more shelves than I do, and yes, they all get read in turn.  My babies have clothes to fit them and keep them cool in the Summer and warm in the winter.  They've got food to nourish them, and keep their bellies satisfied.  They've got parents who adore them, and are protective as all get-out, and friends and extended family who would do anything for them. 

So maybe you can't see why we thought having a third would be a wonderful addition to our family, but you know what?  I don't care.  It used to bother me when people gave me "those looks," but now I feel sorry for them.  If all you can see is a young family whom you assume is taking advantgae of Welfare or whatever else, I truly feel sorry for you.  It's a shame you've never known young people willing to work hard for the things they want and need.  It's a shame you've never known young people who could be good providers, hard workers, and compassionate beyond their years.  How limited your experiences must be to assume that because of my age, I cannot be a mother as tender, caring, educated, and knowledgeable as yourself. 

*sigh*

Yes, I am ecstatic that I am carrying our third child.  I am still in awe that this body that's been so beaten up lately is now turning itself around and not only repairing and caring for itself, but is nurturing and creating this entirely new human being!  I am amazed at the love and support my husband offers on a daily basis.  I am overwhelmed by my love for and from my children, and truly thankful for every day I get to spend watching them grow into young people.  This third baby is going to be a tremendous blessing to this family, and I am so glad this baby is on it's little way…  No matter how anyone else may care to see it.