I have butterflies! I am optimistic and terrified. Does that sound crazy? Oh, to have hope… What a wonderful thing!
Archive for January, 2012
I am so thankful for the people in my life… All of them. Even the ones who hurt, sadden, and enrage me offer opportunities for growth. so, with that in mind, I am going to give it a week. I will either take a serious hiatus for a while, or just walk away all together (which is the way I am leaning now).
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours.” – Eric Idle
“I can’t tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like, and right now it’s a steel knife in my wind pipe.” – Eminem
“There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.” – Aldous Huxley
“Still around the corner there may wait, A new road or a secret gate.” – JRR Tolkien
“Any dog, you put him in the corner, no matter if they’re vicious or not, they’re going to bite back.” – Mike James
A while ago, I decided to just be happy. I think my normal chemical and hormonal balance would have me very often blue, but that was just getting old. I decided to just be happy. It wasn’t easy, but it made a huge difference, and did so almost instantly. Sure, I had bad days, but for the most part, I really did just DECIDE to be happy; I minimized what stressed me out, did more things that made me and my family feel good, and tried to take really good care of myself and my family. It was great.
Now I have another choice to make. Do I decide to be happy, completely let go of the elephant in my heart-room trampling my happiness and hope it works out? Do I face the elephant head-on, risk making it worse in the process, or risk making it better? Do I decide to be happy and walk away from all that I love outside of my friends and family, all that I have worked towards for the past 4 years?
“Don’t be hasty.” – Treebeard
Every week for school, I am supposed to check-in. It’s supposed to hold us accountable for what we are or are not learning by having us keep a record of what we have done to move us closer to our goal of completion and we have to submit it each week. This Friday, I will be checking out… I haven’t yet swallowed the lump in my throat, but I already put in a pre-emptive strike e-mail to let them know I was returning my cirriculum…
It’s been a while. The last month has been a cluster-f*ck. Seriously. It started with my job… and then the hits just kept coming. I can’t stand when people are upset with me. I will apologize and assume blame for things that don’t belong to me just to make things right… It doesn’t make things right, and then I feel even worse. So while I am carrying that weight around, I see on Facebook that one of my great uncles has passed. Now, I know most people are not terribly close to their great uncles, but this is a man I remember very fondly and am very sad to have lost touch with as I got older. There were many factors in that, none of which matter right now, but it happened and I will miss him dearly. He is one of few people I remember well from my childhood and I cannot recall a single negative experience with him… I know when people die, we tend to remember only the best, but seriously, the man was awesome. He always made me smile and his own smile wAs contagious beyond expression. I am so sad that he is no longer among us and it breaks my heart that my own babies will never get to see that smile.
Every day I try to be a good person. I try to be someone you can talk to – someone who knows when to listen, when to hug, and when to chime in with encouragement or just shut up and be present. I try to be someone you can ask a favor of. I try to be someone you can trust. I try to be someone you can lean on because The Force knows I have leaned. I try to be someone who knows when to say they ar…e sorry – and mean it – and when to not allow blame to be laid unfairly. I try to be someone who speaks up for those who can’t without stepping on them myself. I try to be someone who loves… wholly and unconditionally. It’s a lot of work… But I hope that every day I try, it gets easier and that my kids will do the same, with must less difficulty. It’s not hard to do those things – they come from love. But, it is hard to do those things when people are constantly telling you or showing you that they don’t care, or that it doesn’t matter. Everybody screws up. Crucifying them for it doesn’t help. Tomorrow, I will try again, crucified or not. ♥
