Decisions, decisions…

A while ago, I decided to just be happy.  I think my normal chemical and hormonal balance would have me very often blue, but that was just getting old.  I decided to just be happy.  It wasn’t easy, but it made a huge difference, and did so almost instantly.  Sure, I had bad days, but for the most part, I really did just DECIDE to be happy; I minimized what stressed me out, did more things that made me and my family feel good, and tried to take really good care of myself and my family.  It was great.

Now I have another choice to make.  Do I decide to be happy, completely let go of the elephant in my heart-room trampling my happiness and hope it works out?  Do I face the elephant head-on, risk making it worse in the process, or risk making it better?  Do I decide to be happy and walk away from all that I love outside of my friends and family, all that I have worked towards for the past 4 years?

“Don’t be hasty.”  – Treebeard

Checking Out

Every week for school, I am supposed to check-in.  It’s supposed to hold us accountable for what we are or are not learning by having us keep a record of what we have done to move us closer to our goal of completion and we have to submit it each week.  This Friday, I will be checking out…  I haven’t yet swallowed the lump in my throat, but I already put in a pre-emptive strike e-mail to let them know I was returning my cirriculum…

Tour de Force of Suck

 

It’s been a while.  The last month has been a cluster-f*ck.  Seriously.  It started with my job…  and then the hits just kept coming.  I can’t stand when people are upset with me.  I will apologize and assume blame for things that don’t belong to me just to make things right…  It doesn’t make things right, and then I feel even worse.  So while I am carrying that weight around, I see on Facebook that one of my great uncles has passed.  Now, I know most people are not terribly close to their great uncles, but this is a man I remember very fondly and am very sad to have lost touch with as I got older.  There were many factors in that, none of which matter right now, but it happened and I will miss him dearly.  He is one of few people I remember well from my childhood and I cannot recall a single negative experience with him…  I know when people die, we tend to remember only the best, but seriously, the man was awesome.  He always made me smile and his own smile wAs contagious beyond expression.  I am so sad that he is no longer among us and it breaks my heart that my own babies will never get to see that smile. 

Every Day I’m Shufflin’

 

Every day I try to be a good person. I try to be someone you can talk to – someone who knows when to listen, when to hug, and when to chime in with encouragement or just shut up and be present. I try to be someone you can ask a favor of. I try to be someone you can trust. I try to be someone you can lean on because The Force knows I have leaned. I try to be someone who knows when to say they ar…e sorry – and mean it – and when to not allow blame to be laid unfairly. I try to be someone who speaks up for those who can’t without stepping on them myself. I try to be someone who loves… wholly and unconditionally. It’s a lot of work… But I hope that every day I try, it gets easier and that my kids will do the same, with must less difficulty. It’s not hard to do those things – they come from love. But, it is hard to do those things when people are constantly telling you or showing you that they don’t care, or that it doesn’t matter. Everybody screws up. Crucifying them for it doesn’t help. Tomorrow, I will try again, crucified or not. ♥

Muscle Can Suck It

I’ve really been trying hard…  I got in with my doc and she agreed there is something going on – metabolic or otherwise that is hindering me from seeing positive results. I am at the heaviest I have ever been while not pregnant…  I am only 5 pounds away from the heaviest I have been even while pregnant. That’s not okay. 

September OUG Wrap-Up

Goal? Obliterated… and not in the good way.  I gained weight.

August OUG Wrap-Up

So…  This month, I got back on the horse.  Well, sort of.

Every Little Bit Helps…

http://heatheredwards.chipin.com/trust-birth-conference-2012

Most of you know know that I enrolled in Ancient Art Midwifery Institute in November of 2010.  This upcoming conference is going to be a tremendous asset to my education, including getting my neonatal resuscitation certification and lots of continuing education units.  I am so excited about this conference!  My goal of $850.00 will cover my conference, pre-conference workshops (including neonatal resuscitation with Karen Strange, the finest in the business!), and hopefully, help cover a tiny bit of my room during my stay.  We are getting a special rate during the conference, but I will probably look for a cheaper hotel close by since I will be driving down there and think $109 a night is a bit steep, even if it is a suite!  Please consider giving me a boost!  Every little bit helps!  Thank you so much! To see more about this AMAZING conference, click here:http://www.trustbirthconference.com/

 

Perfect.

Operation Ugly Duckling…  FAIL.  I really thought I was ready for such an undertaking, but as usual, I was wrong…  See what I just did there?  Any little opportunity to get a dig in, and I SNATCH IT.  But then I try to climb back out of the hole by adding something.  In thise case, “I did fail, but I was super busy trying to get things going with my volunteer stuff, school, the kids,” etc.  LAME.  So today the lameness ends.  I am going to start small.

Bring on the sugar babies…

Do you ever just get really sad?  Like…  for no obvious, apparent reason?  Yeah…  Me neither.

I think it’s just a “de-gluten” effect.  Gluten = opiates in a Celiac brain.  No lie, they’re one (or two) molecules different.  It makes me feel AMAZING despite the fever, chills, gastro-upset, rash, etc.  When I come down, I come down hard.  That makes it worse because why come down if you don’t have to?  Oh, how I wish X was not something that would probably kill me, lead into a really bad, bad scene, and just keep me happy and slim.  HA!